


Something Old, Something New

by slut_for_jan_and_trixya



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Fake Dating, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Long chapter names ahahaha, No Beta, Pining, Useless Lesbians, We Die Like Men, angsty, i need a plus one to a wedding so i am fake dating my ex trope, jan and jackie are exhaustingly in love, so many typos, when it's angsty its angsty when it's fluffy its SO FLUFFY
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25733086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slut_for_jan_and_trixya/pseuds/slut_for_jan_and_trixya
Summary: Jan needs a plus one to her sister's wedding. She's tired. She's lonely. And despite everything, the only person that she wants to go with is Jackie.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 61
Kudos: 53





	1. I am not doing this because I want to, I am doing this because I can't imagine doing this with anyone else in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> So this should be completely finished by ten days. I hope y'all like it.

Jan’s POV

It’s a nice day today. Really, genuinely a nice day. The sun is shining but not in an overbearing, annoying way that makes Jan want to drown in the Hudson River. It’s shining in a warm, comforting sort of way, almost as if its rays are holding her in a tight embrace. She looks around her apartment and for once it doesn’t feel as empty as it normally does. The sunshine is spillings into all the emptiness in the room, for once making Jan forget how lonely she is. Sure, it is just her and the plethora of dead plants remind Jan of her inability to keep anything by her side. Sure, she only used half of everything in the house as the other half gathers dust because the memories they hold are too painful to reminisce about. And Sure, she’ll find a sweater that Jackie left behind and mull over whether or not she should set it on fire or crawl into and breathe in the other woman’s scent as she soaks with tears. But really, Jan’s fine. She’s fine. SHE’S FINE. 

So she really doesn’t understand why her sister is insisting she brings a plus one to the wedding. 

“Come on, Jan. It’s a tradition.”

“Emily, I’m a fucking lesbian. I’m breaking every tradition there is by not being a sexually repressed housewife who cheats on her husband with her kid’s butch football coach.”

“Ha. Ha.” Emily deadpans but Jan can hear the hint of a smile peeking through her voice. 

“So can I come on my own?”

“No.”

“Look, I don’t see why I need a plus one. I am perfectly happy on my own. (A lie) I am a strong independent woman capable of making good decisions. (Another lie) And I don’t see why I must conform to the misogynistic standards that a woman must have a companion otherwise she is somehow less worthy than she previously was. (Not a lie) If you can give me, one solid reason why I should bring a plus one, I’ll bring one.” Jan can hear Emily sigh across the phone.

“Because you’re lonely.” Emily’s voice leaves no room for argument but that’s not going to stop Jan from trying. 

“Am not!”

“Yes, you are, Jan. The last time I came up from Hawaii to visit you, you were a mess. Don’t you remember?” Of course, Jan remembers. She remembers forcing herself to stay awake with a life-threatening amount of caffeine because Jackie’s face flooded her dreams. She remembers not eating for days, going to try on a pair of jeans and finding them loose because she had inadvertently been starving herself. She remembers the lying in her own filth for days on end, the only sound she made pathetic whimpers. How could she forget? How could she forget how her heart had been broken, and with it, the rest of her too? 

“I don’t know the name of the girl who broke you in half, nor do I blame her cos sometimes we hurt people we don’t mean to hurt. But you’ve been so alone. I understand that you’re strong and you’re brave and you’re caring. I understand that people don’t always need companionship in order to thrive. And I understand that just because you aren’t in a relationship, doesn’t mean you’re lonely. I’m marrying a feminist studies professor but Christ’s sake. But face it, Jan. You’re the kind of person who needs to have someone there for them.” Emily’s voice begins to shake and Jan can tell she’s holding back tears. 

“I do. I have you.”

“I getting married, Jannie. So as much as I want to hold your hand every step of the way, I can’t. I need you to bring someone to this wedding because I need to know that you’ll have someone there for you when I can’t be.” Jan bites her lip. If not for her, than for her sister. 

“Fine. I’ll do it.”

“You will?”

“I will.” This elicits a gleeful squeal from Emily. A sound so joyous that for a second Jan doesn’t regret her decision. 

“You’re the best older sister ever!”

“You’re getting married, Em. The bride always gets what she wants.” A loud thud suddenly echoes from Emily’s end of the line. 

“I gotta go, I think Mathew just fell over.” 

“Yeah, he definitely did.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jan sets her phone down. She’s fucked. She’s very very fucked. 

Jan takes a couple of deep breaths before trying to think of a way out of the massive grave she had dug herself into. She has three core problems. 1.) She’s single. That means she will need to find some unsuspecting stranger who will allow her to drag them away for a weekend in Hawaii. 2.) All her friends are in committed relationships. That means she can’t get one of them to pretend to be her girlfriend. Why? Because knowing her tech-savvy brother, Daniel would probably ask them for their Instagram handle only to find their pages filled with other women or men. 3.) The last relationship she was in means she will probably never enter another one again. There will never be anyone she trusted as much as Jackie, loved as much as Jackie, and needed as much as Jackie. She is still learning to survive without her, let alone with another person. Jan doesn’t think she could go on holiday for a weekend with some rando from tinder without bursting into tears at any point. 

She misses Jackie. A lot. She hasn’t talked to her in almost two months. Not since the day that she left. But almost every single day, Jan sees her. In the reflection of her coffee, the stains on the table cloths, in the life that they built together. Their life together was like a weight. Excruciatingly painful at times, but when it was good, it had felt so so good. But then Jackie left, leaving Jan to be crushed underneath, waiting like a fool for someone to relieve her of it. She can’t imagine doing this with anyone who isn’t Jackie. Emily had gotten engaged six months ago, and Jan and Jackie had planned to go together. They had planned to go together. For Jackie to meet her family, for Jackie to become permanently cemented into her life. But around a month before, Jackie decided she didn’t want that. To be permanently cemented into her life. 

But somehow, no matter how much pain, how much humiliation Jackie has caused her. Somehow Jackie is the only one who she can imagine walking down the aisle. 

So Jan throws all logic out the window and decides to do something that she predicts will come to bite her in the ass later. 

Jackie’s POV

It’s nice outside today. Normally in the middle of the summer, Helios himself decides to land in New York and bake its citizens to a slight crisp, but today it’s nice. Jackie looks into the creamy swirl of her hibiscus tea and silently wonders how she ended up here. How she ended up in this millennial pink cafe sipping on a hot beverage on an equally hot day. How she ended up scrolling through pictures of lesbian influencers on her phone silently wondering what it would be like to lead such an idyllic life. How she ended up alone. But of course, she knows why. She just can’t exactly face confrontation just yet. She can’t make amends until she faces her demons. So for now, she will stay in this aggressively pink cafe sipping on her equally aggressively pink drink. 

Her phone suddenly rings, causing her to spill hot tea on her lap in shock. Jackie winces, but luckily it’s not too bad because hipster restaurants have a thing about not making hot drinks actually hot, so now she has is soggy jeans and customers staring at her. She picks up the phone to see who is calling and her blood freezes as she takes in the name on the screen. 

Jan. Jan is calling her. 

An image of a pretty Italian American with flowing honey blonde hair and dark, coffee-colored eyes entered her head. Jackie has always wondered if the amount of coffee Jan drinks has stained her eyes because instead of some basic light brown eye, she has syrupy pools of brown that Jackie could drown in. Yes, with her fair, almost cream-like complexion and her golden locks, you would expect some kind of blue or green. But instead, she has brown eyes, eyes so deep and emoting that they compel emotion out of the most unfeeling of people. Another unexpected thing about Jan was how competitive she gets at soccer games. Fitting that the woman’s last name was Sport considering how much she adores exercise. 27 years of consistent working out and soccer matches has left her with a toned body and admirable upper body strength that caught Jackie off guard the first time they had met. Yes, Jan has a good body. A very, very good body. But why is Jackie thinking about her ex’s body when Jan is calling her for the first time in what feels like forever. 

Jan hadn’t talked to her since a month ago. A month ago when Jackie closed the door on her way out, and in return, closed the door on their lives. There were no drunken midnight texts and voice mails with slurred words and pained laughs. No spiteful phone calls telling her she’d left behind a book or a mug. Almost as if the two years they had spent together didn’t matter, as if they had never existed. Jackie would be lying if she said hadn’t been hurt, but was it really fair of her to feel hurt when she had thrown away their life together without giving Jan an explanation? 

Thoughts race through Jackie’s head. Could Jan be drunk? No, the blonde abhorred day-drinking. Could this have been a dare from her friends? No, even Jackie knew that their relationship meant too much for both of them to take it as a joke even after it’s termination. Was Jan hurt? Wait. This one was plausible. Jackie is still Jan’s emergency contact any maybe in a moment of pain and desperation she had called Jackie. 

Desperate to dispel her worries, Jackie picks up the call. 

“Hello?”

“Jackie?” Jackie gives herself a second to relish in Jan’s voice before responding. She’s missed her voice. High pitched but powerful and commanding, yet surprisingly loving at times. Every stutter, every hiccup, and every voice crap, she’s missed all of it. Jan’s voice has always been one of Jackie’s favorite things about her. In fact, sometimes she thinks it was Jan’s voice that made Jackie fall in love with her in the first place. Either way, a month without it has been hard. 

“Hey.”

“Oh my god, you actually picked up.” There is a element of disbelief to her tone and Jackie’s heart clenches to think that this is what they have become. From phone calls every time they weren’t around each other to disbelief that the other has even picked up at all. It saddens her. But Jackie brought this on herself anyways. There’s nothing she can do about it. 

“Of course I did.”

“Sorry, it’s just been a while.”

“No, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure.”

“I swear on my star trek collection.” Jan lets out a laugh and Jackie almost starts to cry because she hasn’t realized how much she misses that sound. Jan has a way of laughing that indicates, pure unfiltered joy. Her sheer happiness is almost contagious and Jackie has never wished for teleportation powers more because all she wants to do it wrap Jan up in her arms.

“Are you free this afternoon?” Jackie is not free. Jackie has plans with her friend Chelsea, they are supposed to go watch a movie together. But honestly, both Jackie and Chelsea couldn’t give two shits if Jackie bailed on those plans. 

“Yeah. I’m free.”

“Oh, thank god.”

  
  
  


About two minutes later, Jackie is standing in front of the door that holds the life she fought tooth and nail until she ran away. Behind that door holds a sensational woman who’s wrath Jackie is yet to fave. Behind that door holds the most precious, valuable thing in the world. And Jackie is about to ring the doorbell. She fights off the nerves as remembers all the times she has opened this door. Behind it, there is always Jan. Jan happy, Jan angry, Jan tired. Behind it is always Jan. How is this time any different? She can do this.

Jackie walks up to the doorbell and rings it. The familiar jingle rings through her ears as she can hear the footsteps that approach the door. 

Jan. She’s there. She looks different. Not worse, not better, just different. She’s thinner, more gaunt. The beautiful pools of fat that gathered in her face have gone, in their place an angular cheekbone. She seems more tired too, the blonde is normally lively, filled with energy and excitement. It saddens Jackie to see her tired, to see her worn down. But who is Jackie to feel guilt, she is the one who did this to Jan. Nevertheless, Jan is still breathtakingly beautiful. Everything about her is still radiant and ethereal and every adjective that Jackie can think of. But something is different. Jan seems defeated, tired. The Jan she knows would never ever give up, she is stubborn and strong-filled, thus making it all the more terrifying seeing her slumped over. 

“Jan.”

“Hi.” She sounds tired. Like she’s been crying. The phone had muffled the sound of her voice a little bit and now Jackie can see Jan now, in all her damaged glory. It hurts to see this resilient woman so submissive and resigned. But Jackie doesn’t deserve to feel guilty, to feel like the good guy in Jan’s story. Because no matter what, this is Jackie’s fault. The way Jan seems less lively and quieter is Jackie’s doing. She is the villain in this narrative. Maybe she will have a redemption ark, maybe she won’t. But either way, she doesn’t deserve to fool herself thinking that she is Jan’s knight in shining armor. 

“Can I come in?”

“Oh, of course. Where are my manners?”

“Maybe I took them with me,” Jackie says trying to lighten the mood, but Jan smiles sadly. Their eyes meeting for the first time and Jackie is about to cry with relief because at least her eyes are still the same. Sure they are dimmer, faded, and most definitely blood-shot from crying, but they are still Jan’s eyes and they are still beautiful. 

“You took a lot of things with you, Jackie. I don’t even know anymore.” Jan lets out a shuddering breath. “I’ll cut to the chase. Emily is getting married this weekend.”

“Wow, good for her.”

“The maid of honor needs to have a plus one. It’s a Sport family tradition.” Jan hesitates whatever she is about to say but she doesn’t need to because Jackie already knows the words that are going to come out of her mouth. 

“You want me to go with you, don’t you.”

“It’s only for a weekend and you don’t have to talk to me or do anything with me. We just need to convince my family that I’m happy and I’m in a relationship.” 

“I dunno Jan, they might recognize me.”

“I never showed them any photos of you and they don’t know your name.”

“Jan, we’re exes and this isn’t-”

“You owe me one.”

“Yes I know but I really think that this is kinda insane and-”

“No, Jackie. That’s the last thing you said before you left.” Jackie stops in her tracks. Jan has a faraway look in her eyes as if she is in another realm. 

“You were packing up things, and about to leave but then I remembered you had left your blanket. The one you’re Aunt knitted it for you. The one with the pretty name.”

“Auntie Soraya.”

“It was such a pretty blanket. Red with gold lining. And it was always so warm and cozy. We used to huddle up together whenever we watched movies. You’d had it since birth.” Jan is looking at Jackie, but she is staring through her with an unreadable expression. On her face is a symphony of grief, pain, reminiscence, and sadness. 

“You owe me one.”

“Yes, I do.” Jan bites her lip as if the words that are going to come out of her mouth hurt. 

“You never have to see me or talk to me again. You can move on and live a happy, prosperous life without and I won’t even watch from afar if you don’t want me to. But do this for me, and we’re even.”

“Jan-”

“Everything. All the money, all the favors, all the times you scared or worried me. We’ll be even and you never have to see me again.”

“I can’t-” Jan takes Jackie’s hands and looks into her eyes with pleading desperation. Those eyes. Jackie can never say no to those eyes. 

“If you ever loved me. For a week, a day, a minute, or even a second. You’ll do this for me. Because I sure as hell loved you. And I didn’t just love you for a second. I loved you the way you love that blanket. Undyingly and faithfully. So if you ever returned that love for just a goddamn second, you will do this for me. ” Tears have begun to fall from Jan’s cheeks and Jackie wipes one away with her finer. 

“Yes.”

“Wait, really?” Jan immediately brightens up and glow that Jackie hasn’t seen since she arrived has returned is there. The buoyant, vivacious woman that she fell in love with has returned. Her Jan is back. 

“Yes, I’ll do it.”

And with that, both of them are royally screwed. 


	2. I wanted to protect you from all the bad things in this world, but I didn't realise that the worst thing was me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan and Jackie go on a plane trip and discuss the rules that they must abide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't lying when I said I would try to update often. I really hope you liked this.

Jackie’s POV

The airport is surprisingly empty today, considering that it is a Friday, smack in the middle of summer. During this time, most New Yorkers tend to retreat to places with more predictable weather and relative coolness. Jackie would be lying if she ever said New York had nice weather. That it was either always relatively warm with the sun’s glorious rays shining upon their skin. Or that it was always rainy, a layer of water cleansing the earth and filling the air with a musty, humid scent. But instead, when it rains, the best way to describe it is “God Pissing.” At least, that’s how Jan describes it. She’s right like she is about most things. Today, God is most definitely pissing. 

Jackie glances at her watch. Jan was supposed to be here four minutes ago, normally the energetic blonde is always punctual. But looking at the rain, she doesn’t blame her for being late. Jackie is lucky to live relatively close to the airport, Jackie on the contrary lives a good hour and a half away from the airport. Jackie remembers the long car rides navigating through New York’s twist and turns with nothing but a frustrated Jan and a GPS. Jackie got motion-sickness incredibly easily so Jackie always played violin covers on their way there. She wonders for a second if Jan is in the backseat of a cab driven by a disgruntled taxi driver, hunched over in the backseat clutching her stomach with beads of cold sweat running down her face. The image sends pangs through Jackie’s heart and even though she knows she’s not supposed, she wishes she were the taxi driver. She wishes she was there, listening to Mozart as Jackie’s careful driving and the soft pitter-pattering of rain against the window lulls Jan to sleep.

Jackie wishes for a lot of things. But she never really seems to get them. Either way, she doesn’t deserve for them to happen. So she just sits there, blasting the “Legally Blonde” soundtrack on repeat, patiently waiting for the exuberant, cheer leader-like angel to arrive at the airport. She gets up to “The Harvard Variations” before an equally melodic voice fills the airport.

“Jackie? Jackie? JAQUELINE COX!” There’s Jan, stumbling around the airport, completely drenched in rain, lugging behind her a comedically sparkly purple luggage. 

Jan’s POV

For lack of a better term, Jan’s morning has been shit. She woke up around twenty minutes after her alarm sounded off and thanked the gods that she had pre-packed the night before. She throws on some ratty old cast T-Shirt and a pair of sweatpants before tying her hair in a gravity-defying bun and running out the door. Halfway down the stairs Jan realizes that she has forgotten her passport, phone charger, and contact lenses. She then proceeds to run back up the stairs, only to realize that she has locked herself out. Luckily Jan left a spare key with her elderly Czech landlady and rushes up yet another three floors to get the key. Having retrieved the key she hurries back into her apartment and grabs everything she needs before rushing out the door. 

And the second she sets foot outside her apartment complex is when God decides he is going to rain down on New York City like the second coming of the Genesis flood. Once again grateful that her luggage is completely waterproof, Jan waits in the rain without an umbrella for a grand total of ten minutes before her apologetic Uber driver picks her up. This driver, however, must not have had much experience as a chauffeur because he proceeds to HIT EVERY FUCKING BUMP IN NEW YORK CITY while rambling about how the patriarchy is a fad as Jan tries not to throw up. And as the cherry on top to this hellish morning, he drops her approximately a five-minute walk or two minutes sprint away from the entrance of the airport. So Jan runs, hauling behind her an overpacked luggage through the rain receiving odd looks from strangers. 

And when she finally gets to the airport Jackie is nowhere to be seen, and Jackie, almost driven mad with panic and on the verge of tears begins to scream her name until she receives a gentle, familiar tap on the shoulder. 

“Jan?” There Jackie shows up, eyes wide with concern, and an amused smile set on her face and Jan collapses into her arms. She’s safe. Jackie’s got her. And she doesn’t have to deal with anymore shitty Uber drivers. 

“I’m sorry, I’m late. It’s been a little bit of a rough morning.” Jackie laughs as she tucks a stray hair behind Jan’s ear and something blooms inside Jan’s chest and honestly, Jan is too tired to stop it. 

“I can tell, you look like someone dragged you through the ocean.”

“My Uber driver did. Also, he kept going on and on about how the patriarchy doesn’t exist.” Jan laughs humourlessly, trying to convince Jackie that she is indeed okay and she doesn’t want to strangle anyone. 

“Boys really are taking over-compensation to extreme levels these days.” Jan laughs and a proud smile lights up Jackie’s face. Jackie loves it when Jan smiles, especially when she’s the reason behind it.

“Am I late? Did we miss our flight?”

“Oh no, we have like an hour before it boards.” 

“Oh, that’s good.”

“Why didn’t you just call me, I would’ve driven you.” Jan lowers her head down to the floor. 

“I didn’t want to bother you, you’re already doing this for me.”

“Jan, I would rather drive an extra hour than have you show up to the airport looking like a wet cat.” Jan lets out a wet laugh and Jackie reaches into her faithful star trek luggage and pulls out a green towel. “Dry yourself off before I have to explain to your parents why you have hypothermia.” 

“That wouldn’t be a good first impression would it.”

“No, it wouldn’t.” 

Jan spends the next hour drying her hair off and walking through customs with Jackie. The pair get strange looks which are understandable considering Jackie is now the human form of a drowned rat. But it’s nice. She and Jackie walk through stores, sharing secret giggles when they see a hipster or someone particularly obnoxious looking. Almost as if they have slipped back into their old rhythm, the two of them living in a secret world that no one else can see and no one else can share. As if they are in some protective bubble in which the world cannot harm them no matter what it throws at them. They are invincible, impenetrable, and safe. 

At least, they used to be. 

When the air hostess calls their flight number and by now, Jan is less completely drenched and more slightly damp. Just dry enough for her to enter the plane and completely freeze in the air conditioning for a grand total of eleven hours. Jan doesn’t like planes. Never has. One of her greatest fears is that she’ll be in a plane crash but she won’t die on impact and instead be stranded on an island with a severely damaged body and have to amputate her limbs and -

“Hey,” Jackie says with a slight chuckle in her voice. “You’re going to be okay.” 

“Yeah, I know. You know how much I hate flights.” 

“Yeah, I do. But the likelihood of you being stranded alone on an island is very unlikely.” Jackie smiles.

“Thanks for doing this for me.” Jackie smiles sadly as she takes Jan’s hand in her own. 

“You were right. I owe you.”

There’s a comfortable silence between the two as their eyes meet and for a second, just a second, Jackie lets herself pretend. She lets herself pretend that she is going to her sister’s wedding with her girlfriend who she has dated for a year and a half and they are meeting her for the first time. She lets herself pretend that she is in love with Jackie and Jackie is in love with her too. She lets herself pretend that the tension between them is not sorrowful and awkward, but rather sexually-charged as it used to be. That when she looks at those plump, watermelon colored lips that taste like pomegranate chapstick, she can kiss them whenever she likes. That when she sees Jackie’s face, so angular and sculpted, she does not feel a pain run through her chest. She can pretend she lives in a world where that the longing, the ache, and the heartbreak never happened and the past two months never happened. 

She pretends that she lives in a perfect utopia, just fantastical enough to be out of reality. Because deep down, Jan knows, that may be in another lifetime, that could’ve been her reality. A reality where instead of a misogynistic uber driver, she sat in the front seat next to Jackie listening to Canon in D, with their finger interlacing and Jackie cursing other people driving. She pretends that the rain pouring down the earth can wash away everything. It can wash away all the tears, all the regret, all the hurt. And her and Jackie can start again, fresh, new and untainted. 

But Jan is a Gemini. She has never been realistic, has she. So she has to let go. She has to break herself out of whatever capsule of time she has hidden in. She has to stop pretending. 

Jackie’s POV

Jan is staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face, so Jackie lets go of Jan’s hands and waves them in front of Jackie’s face. 

“Hello? Earth to Jackie?” Jackie Jan a couple of times before shaking her head as if waking out of a daydream.

“Sorry, I got distracted.”

“It’s cool, don’t worry about it,” 

“So,” Jan says suggestively. “We need to lay down some ground rules.”

Jackie winces. This is the part she’s been dreading.

“Okay, hit me with your best shot.” Jan takes a deep, trembling breath in.

“We need to do a lot of PDA.”

“What? Why?” Jackie says, caught off guard. Jan tries to hide her frown with a smile, But Jackie can see that she’s hurt. 

“What, you don’t want to kiss me anymore,” Jan says jokingly with a smile that didn’t meet her eyes. 

Jan’s POV

Of course, Jackie doesn’t want to kiss her. 

Jackie’s POV

Jan doesn’t know how badly Jackie wanted to kiss her. She doesn’t know how badly Jackie wants their lips to collide and for Jackie to kiss away all the pain that she has caused Jan. She wants to drink Jan in the way a dying man drinks water, to taste her the way a starving man tastes food. She wants to take each piece of Jan’s broken heart and glue them back together until Jackie is whole and happy again. She wants to lavish every inch of Jan’s skin with love until Jan realizes that she was the precious, invaluable being in the world. The two months they had spent apart, Jackie had spent almost every single night dreaming about Jan’s lips. Their light rosy hue and the thickness of the gloss she always so generously applied. She misses the way their lips knew each other, the way they move in perfect, synchronized harmony. She misses the familiarity that came with knowing and loving Jan. 

And she didn’t just miss kissing her, because Jan had been very, very good at kissing. She misses everything about Jan. The way her body wash is so strongly scented that she never needs perfume. The way her eyes catch the light in the right angle sometimes and it looks like the universe was reflected in them. The look of wonder in Jan’s eyes when she saw snow for the first time in New York. The pink flush that colors her cheeks whenever Jackie told her she was beautiful. She would be lying if she said she didn’t miss any of it with every inch of her breaking heart. 

But she can’t tell Jan that. So she stays silent and she can see sadness flash through Jan’s eyes. 

“I was very affectionate with my last ex back in Hawaii. So if I’m not sucking your face off at any given time, they’ll think something is off.” 

“I am going to eat so much fucking garlic.” Jan smiles, and this time it does meet her eyes, and a weight is lifted from Jackie’s chest. 

“And I’m going to eat a shit ton of crab.”

“Do that, and I’ll spend your sister’s wedding in the ER cos my throat is closing up.”

“Fine.”

“Second rule. We cannot tell any of our mutual friends about this.”

“Oh absolutely.” Jackie bites her lip as she thinks of the way their mutual friends had sided with Jan instead of Jackie, but honestly, it was a valid reaction. Jackie knew she had hurt Jan and Jackie knew that she most definitely did not deserve sympathy.

“I mean, you can, but I don’t think you want to.”

“No, I don’t want to face Lagoona’s wrath.” Jan laughs once again. When she laughs, Jackie can almost pretend that what happened between them never happened. There is a lightness that replaces the agony and Jackie can almost comprehend forgiving herself in those instances. 

“Yeah, you really don’t.”

“Okay, third rule.”

“I’m listening.”

“You have to walk me down the aisle.”

“Done.”

“Wait, you really have no problem with that?”

“No, why would I?”

“It’s just…” Jan looks down and furrows her brow. “You never wanted to get married. This won’t be too much for you?”

It is at this moment that Jackie begins to realize how much she has actually hurt Jan. Jackie has hurt this poor soul so much that she thinks Jackie wouldn’t spend the rest of their lives together if she could. Jackie was to physically stop herself from crying because this beautiful woman in front of her biting her lips thinks that Jackie won’t walk her down the aisle because of her commitment issues. 

Jackie tilts Jan’s head up to meet Jackie’s eyes.

“Of course, I’ll walk you down the aisle.”

Jan lights up again but all Jackie can see is the fear of rejection that was burning in her eyes. It may be gone, but a second is enough to make Jackie regret every decision she has made. 

“Oh, and one more thing.” Jan smiles. “This is the fun part. We need to get our story straight.”

“Jan, there is nothing about us that is straight.” 

“Hahahaha, very funny,” Jan says, hiding a smile. “We need to make sure that whatever questions they ask us, we have the same answers.”

“Like, the “How did you meet?”, “Where do you live?” kind of questions?”

“Exactly.”

“Oh easy, we just pretend we never broke up.” Woah. That was blunt. 

Jan’s POV 

Woah, that was blunt. Nonetheless, a practical solution. But Jan is doing a bad job of pretending the things Jackie is saying don’t hurt. Because they do. They hurt a lot, even though Jan knows Jackie would never intentionally hurt her and it’s just the by-product of Jackie’s nervous brain. But still, it hurts. It hurts that Jackie can pretend to be in love with her so easily, pretend to be in a happy relationship so easily. It makes Jan wonder, was she pretending the whole time? Was any of it real? But now is not the time to be sensitive or to be hurt. She needs to make sure her sister has the best wedding she possibly can and if it means that Jan’s broken heart cracks, even more, she’ll do it. 

“Jackie?” Jan says, treading lightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way-”

“It’s okay. You’re doing this for me, you shouldn’t have to apologize for saying what you think.”

“I-” Jan takes a deep breath and with a trembling voice, she begins to speak again. “Do remember how we met?”

“Of course.”

\---

_ May 13th, 2018 _

_ Jackie’s POV _

_ The bar is crowded. Well, it’s a gay bar on a Friday night, of course, it’s crowded. Jackie laughs to herself. The odds of her finding a cute, emotionally available bottom in this sea of drunk twinks and pillow princesses. She’s been single for about a month now, her last boyfriend finalizing the fact that she, at age 27, was most definitely a lesbian. But before him, was a long string of one night stands of both men and women none emotionally satisfying her. Jackie has had of the confusion and she just wants to settle down with a nice cat lesbian and fuck while they rewatch the L word for the fifth time. She wants someone to love, even if they don’t love her back. Maybe, she’ll grow to regret that sentiment, maybe she won’t. But either way, she wants someone in her life to love. She wants to get drunk on their taste, to become dizzy with love whenever they enter the room, all the good and bad. Jackie wants it all.  _

_ She’s never been in love. Not with the men or the women in her life. Not because they were bad people, simply because they lacked the spark that Jackie needed. The people had dated were people who were content and sated with monotony and repetition. Jackie is a Aries , she gets bored easily. She needs someone who can keep her on her toes, keep her chasing, and keep her in love.  _

_ “Jackie?” The bartender, Alexandria, or Alex as Jackie likes to call her, hands her a disgustingly pink drink.  _

_ “Alex.” Jackie stares at her dumbly. “As much as I appreciate the free drink, you know me. I either chug whiskey or nothing else.”  _

_ “It’s called ‘The Cherry Popper,’ that guy at the end of the bar ordered it for you.” _

_ “Who the fuck thought that ‘The Cherry Popper’ would make a good drink name?” _

_ “That guy at the end of the bar apparently cos he just made it up and told me to make a drink based on it. Said to make it pink.” _

_ “Ah, misogyny has managed to find it’s way into even gay bars.” _

_ “I know.” Alex sighs and looks back at the man who is staring at Jackie with a predatory gaze. “You want me to shoo him off?”  _

_ “No, I’ll thank him for the drink.” _

_ “Just shout for me if anything goes sideways, okay?” _

_ “Love you, Alex.” _

_ “Right back at ya.” _

_ Jackie braces herself for an awkward moment as she walks down to the end of the bar. He is a grown man wearing a Gap T-shirt proudly and khakis. His beard is wild and ungroomed and in short, unsightly. Everything about him, from his manspreading to cocky smirk on his face is off-putting.  _

_ “Hi,” Jackie says awkwardly. _

_ “Hello, sugar. What’s a pretty girl like you, doing in a place like this.” Oh God, he paired possibly the most annoying voice with the most annoying phrase. He has one of those annoyingly southern accents that just drag and crack at the wrong places.  _

_ “Um, I’m looking for someone.” _

_ “Well, you found someone, they just bought you a drink.”  _

_ “Haha,” Jackie laughs as she scans the room for an out. “Thank you.” _

_ “So, do you got anything to do tonight?” He says in a drunken drawl.  _

_ “Look, dude. I appreciate the offer, but you’re not my type.” He laughs cockily.  _

_ “I’m every woman’s type.” _

_ “Well, I’m a lesbian,” Jackie says, now frustrated and tired of being niceties.  _

_ “I’ve never met a woman who didn’t give me a shot to shake things up.” _

_ “Now you have.” Jackie turns to walk away and suddenly the man grabs her wrist and fear shoots through her body.  _

_ “Excuse me, sir.” _

_ The voice comes from a woman. A distractingly beautiful woman wearing jeans that leave little to the imagination and a top that leaves even less. She has skin the color of vanilla ice cream melting in the warmth of the sun, eyes like dark pools of rich chocolate and lips painted cherry red. She has a soft jaw and a kind, gently smile. The kind of smile that people go to dentists and plastic surgeons to try and replicate. A smile that’s different. Jackie has never been religious despite growing up in a semi-religious family, but now she thinks that she believes in angels. Because if angels are real, this woman is one. She is radiant with a natural kind of ease that can only be some kind of divine gift.  _

_ “Hey, sugar. You care to join?” The gross pervert still holds her wrist in a tight grip.  _

_ “I’m Jackie, this is my girlfriend.” _

_ “Oh.” Jackie thinks his grip on her will loosen but instead it tightens and begins to hurt.  _

_ “Ow, ow. You’re hurting me.” Jackie winces.  _

_ “Stop whining, I bet you like it.” He says and now Jackie is genuinely scared. She locks eyes with the woman silently pleading that she do something. Maybe threaten to call security, or to assert her authority, anything at this point to get him to leave.  _

_ What she did not expect was for her to grab his hand, twist them behind his back, and force him onto his knees. But Jackie’s not complaining, he’s let go of her wrist and she can feel blood flow back into her hand. For such a small woman, she is clearly causing him a significant amount of pain, not something that Jackie minds of course.  _

_ “If you ever disrespect Marie or any woman ever again, I will chop off your dick and feed it to my cat, who is more of a man than you. Now get the fuck out of here before I change my mind.  _

_ He scurries off to the exit as Alex laughs while polishing a glass from afar. The woman takes Jackie’s hand in her own and she notices how soft her skin is.  _

_ “Hey, I’m Jan.”  _

_ “Jan.” The woman blushes. _

_ “Yeah, that’s me.” _

_ “I’m Jackie.” _

_ “Yeah, sorry about the ‘Marie’ thing, I’ve been watching too much Marie Condo.”  _

_ “Oh absolutely.” _

Present-day

“Of course I remember how we met. I kicked some weird perv’s ass for you.” Jackie smiles. Yes, Jan did. She remembers the gratitude she had felt. She remembers the night that came after and the many many many nights after that. 

“Would you do it again?” She asks despite herself. And without missing a beat, Jan replies. 

“Of course, I would. Any excuse to kick weird perverts.” 

And without knowing it, Jackie has just completely fallen heads over heels in love with Jan yet again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends, if you liked it leave a comment. If you didn't DRAG ME, MOM. And if you have absolutely no opinion towards it, comment anyways. PRO TIP: The best way to speed up a fic's completion is to leave comments.


	3. Before the pretending starts, I've got to stop pretending that I'm even faking it in the first place.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie and Jan get off the plane. Just fluff and angst in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I almost forgot to write this chapter so I stayed up super late and I hope it's of adequate quality and it's a lot shorter than some of the other chapters. I made you a promise that I would update every day and this is me trying my best even though it is now 2:00 am in the morning and I am about to pass out in two minutes.

Chapter three: Jan and Jackie are picked up at the airport by Jan’s family, and Jan’s niece immediately finds herself very attached to Jackie. Obviously, this makes Jan kinda sad because she thinks of all that they could have been. They all go to a restaurant where the two spend a dinner filled with romantic tension and bombarded by questions from Jan’s slightly homophobic sister in law. Jackie looks at Jan as if to say, “Is she for real” and Jan responds by saying that her sister in law is one of the good ones. For a second the two slip and forget that their broken up but are reminded by it when Jackie gets a call from her brother, and She excuses herself, and Jan excuses herself to the bathroom. 

  
  


Jan’s POV

Jan opens her eyes and checks her watch; it’s 6:45. They’ve landed in Hawaii. She tries to shift her weight onto her right side, but a weight on her left side stops her. Jackie’s there, leaning on her shoulder, and snoring gently. Jan smiles despite herself. Jackie has always looked the most beautiful when she’s sleeping. Not that she isn’t beautiful normally, but when she’s sleeping, her guard is let down. She doesn’t hold up any walls or defenses, none of that usually bullshit that clouds her normal judgment. She’s just Jackie. Jackie without the frown lines, without the nervous looks, without the furrowed brows. Just Jackie. 

She also looks younger, kind of childlike. Subconsciously, Jan wonders if all the worrying and the anxiety has aged her. If it has, Jackie has most definitely aged with grace. But when she’s sleeping, she looks like children when they sleep. Completely devoid of problems and filled with nothing but peace and contentment. Jackie has always been an adult, responsible, and cautious. Maybe that’s why she can only seem to be a child when she sleeps—either way. Jan needs to wake her up. 

“Jackie?” Jan says gently to no avail. She gently lifts Jackie’s head off her shoulders, and this seems to awaken the sleeping Persian. 

“Jan?” Jackie’s face turns tomato red when she realizes what happened. “I fell asleep on you, didn’t I.”

“Yes, you did,” Jan tries to hide her smile because Jackie looks adorable when she’s flustered. 

“I-um. Yeah, I did that.”

“Relax, Jackie. Remember, it’s like you said. Just pretend we never broke up.” Jan knows it’s a low blow, but she goes for it anyway. But she doesn’t feel the satisfaction she expects to feel when Jackie purses her lips and hurt flashes through her eyes. 

“Yeah, I guess you have a point.” Resignment colors Jackie’s tone, and Jan doesn’t know whether or not she should take back what she said or kiss her until the world ends. But then, Jackie smirks, letting Jan know she’ll alright, and Jan suddenly remembers why she fell so madly in love with this woman. 

“We gotta pretend to be in love, might as well get used to it,” Jackie says with a laugh, and Jan smiles. 

They spend the next two hours standing in excruciatingly slow lines to have their passports stamped by excruciatingly slow immigration officers and pick up their luggage from at excruciatingly slow baggage claim service. When they finally make it out of customs, they settle in a small cafe because Jan needs coffee. But she also needs to reminisce. 

Every time she comes back to Hawaii, Jan never fails to notice different, she used to be from when she lived there. Back in the days of her youth, the slow, unbothered pace that Hawaiians lived back soothed and calmed her. Now, all it did was agitate her because when something is slow in New York, that means something is wrong. 

Hawaii just isn’t home anymore. Home is the smell of urine penetrating the air. Home is the kind, old man selling warm hot dogs and pretzels from the street. Home is her tiny cramped apartment that feels both too big and too small at the same time. Home is New York. She’s not a Hawaiian anymore. She’s a New Yorker. She knows that it’s natural to move on from home and to create a new one for herself, but despite herself, she feels guilt. As if somehow by finding happiness in the rugged nature that New York City provides, she has betrayed her Honalulu roots.

“Hey.” Jackie’s voice, lovingly laced with concern, “You’re overthinking so loudly, I can hear you over the crying babies.”

“Sorry, just haven’t been home in a while.” Jan smiles apologetically. “I feel like such a traitor because I miss the smell of piss in the air instead of the sea breeze that isn’t disintegrating my lungs. 

“It’s okay. I feel the same thing when I visit my family up in Canada. Where is all the bird shit? Why is all the housing affordably priced? Why is everyone polite?” Jan laughs because no matter what, Jackie can somehow piece together the right words to make her feel better. 

“Yeah, pizza is officially ruined for me.”

“You and me both, sweetheart.” Jan tries her best to pretend that she doesn’t feel anything when Jackie calls her nicknames, but it’s failing quite miserably. So Jan decides to distract herself by plotting against her parents. 

“So, let’s talk game plan. We need to walk in holding hands or with you’re hand on my waist, whichever makes you more comfortable.”

“Hand on waist.”

“I need to kiss you on the cheek, A LOT, so don’t get freaked out by that.”

“You used to do it a lot, and I thought it was really cute.” Jan tries to ignore the pangs in her chest. 

“And there are a couple of things you need to know about my family. My niece is four, and because I told my family that you work in skincare, she thinks that you’re a scientist.”

“Aw, that’s adorable. She’s not a scientific prodigy, is she?” 

“No, but she will definitely ask you some very very personal questions.”

“Cool.”

“You absolutely cannot talk politics with my sister in law unless you want to completely lose faith in humanity.”

“Aren’t Hawaiians, I dunno, not bigoted?”

“Oh, they are, but she’s not a Hawaiian. She’s from Florida.” Jackie tilts her head back and winces audibly. 

“I went to Florida once.”

“And?”

“I tried to give myself brain damage in order to forget.”

“Katherine is like, the epitome of conservative. She probably thinks you’re a guy.”

“Oh, this is going to be fun.”

“Imma show you a photo of them, okay?”

Jackie’s POV

When Jackie imagined Jan’s family, she had imagined a frumpy middle-aged couple with salt and pepper hair with a reasonable amount of fat on their body. She had imagined Jan’s siblings, Emily and Daniel, to look somewhat like Jan but not too much like her. She had imagined Jan’s niece to undeniably look adorable but not too far from standard baby adorable. 

What she had not imagined was a family of fucking supermodels. 

Jan’s father has a somehow toned without being ripped vibe to his body and wrinkles that suit his pronounced cheekbones and icy blue eyes. Yet despite everything about his features screaming seriousness, there is a playfulness that radiates from him. Jan has very clearly inherited his personality, but aside from the blonde, they don’t look alike. Jan’s mother, on the other hand, is what Jackie imagines what Jan will look like in thirty years. Both women are breathtakingly beautiful in the same effortless manner; the only thing that differentiates them is the fact that Jan’s mother has a deep, dark ebony hair color streaked with white. 

Jan’s siblings are also carbon copies of their parents. Emily looks exactly like her father but with rosier coloring and infinitely long ginger hair. The kind of hair that they advertise on dye boxes, the kind of hair that looks like it’s floating underwater, the kind of hair that you could take a nap in. She looks absolutely nothing like Jan. However, in spirit, you can tell the two are cut from the same cloth. There is a sense of mischief passed down from their father, and an almost ethereal beauty passed down from their mother. 

Jan’s brother is the exact opposite of Jan had imagined. Daniel, who was born an albino, is vampirically pale, his curly locks almost completely white. He looks like he was born in another realm and sent to earth by accident. But that is not the most shocking thing about him; Daniel is incredibly muscular. He looks like the kind of guy that can smash Jackie into tiny pieces if he wanted to because instead of muscles, the guy looked like he sewed an apple into his biceps. In addition to following the Sport family trend of being unrealistically gorgeous, he also looks like a clone of his mother. 

But Jan’s niece is the biggest shocker of them all. She looks so much like Jan that for a second, Jackie almost considers incestual activity. But her worries are immediately absolved by her remembrance that Jan is a stark-raving lesbian in addition to the fact that she was the one who filmed her sister in law’s birthing video. However, aside from that, the girl that stands in front of her looks almost identical to Jan’s baby photos. 

And then there was Jan, the remarkable woman standing next to her. Possibly the most beautiful out of them all. Jan has a small smile on her face, the way people smile when they see puppies shit on carpets. Even with her messy bun from hell and her tired, slightly sleepy features, Jan is perfect. Everyone has a personal definition of beauty that is everchanging but Jackie’s has stayed the same since she met Jan. But with her hair the color of honeycomb with the texture of silk and lips so plump and kissable that it is taking every ounce of her self control not to kiss them-

Jackie’s been staring, hasn’t she? 

Jan’s POV

Jackie has been staring for far too long. For far, far too long. But Jan can’t bring herself to stop her because Jackie looks cute when she’s staring. Her eyes do that thing where they seem to become infinitely big with wonder, and her lips part gently. She forgets above all the external factors of the universe and instead focusing on a singular item. It’s the most fascinating thing about Jackie. Her ability to drop everything going on in the world and focus intensely on one singular thing in space or time. So Jan savors this image of Jackie, eyes widening with shock and mouth slightly agape. 

Sometimes, back when they were still together, Jan used to stare at Jackie and wonder how on earth someone like Jackie could exist. Someone that encapsulated “love” in every sense of the word. Jackie was not a fighter; she's was a lover. She looked at everything with an undying astonishment at truly. Even the most homely and mundane things were treasured by Jackie, studied and cherished with a sensation that can be described as love. Jackie was a person who you just wanted to love because of how much they loved everything around them. Especially when they are staring at a photo of you, and your family at a barbeque from last summer. 

“I’ve been staring, haven’t I.” Jackie smacks her head as Jan’s laughter echoes through the cafe and receives confused looks from fellow customers. 

“Possibly,” Jackie blushes the color of crimson. “Was it Daniel? People stare at him a lot.”

“What?” A look of horror washes over Jackie’s face. “Oh my god, no! Absolutely not!”

“Then why were you silent for a good two minutes?” Jan chuckles. 

“Cos you come from a family of fucking supermodels!” Jackie bursts out, and Jan can’t help herself but laugh. 

“I mean, my family is relatively attractive but-” Jan is cut off by Jackie, who has grabbed her by the shoulders and looking at her with panic-filled eyes. 

“Relatively attractive? Your sister looks like fucking Madeline Petsch. And you’re brother looks like he needs to be in Game of Thrones or some shit because he is majestic as fuck. And you failed to mention the fact that your dad looks like a blonde aged up Matt Bomer and you, your mom and your niece look like the same person but at different ages!” Jackie finishes her outburst and becomes very self-conscious. 

“And?”

“And I’m me. I’m not some 80’s supermodel. I don’t have a face chiseled by the gods, and I don’t have really obvious muscles or hair that people use in conditioner commercial. I’m just me.” Jackie looks down on the floor, refusing to meet Jan’s eyes. “I’m not...pretty.”

Not pretty. 

Jackie used to call herself that a lot of the times. Ugly. Plain. Normal. Average. Unattractive. And whenever she does it, Jan wonders if the girl in front of her has ever owned a mirror. Jackie is so beautiful that everything around her dulls in comparison. Everything around her seems dimmer or duller, and ultimately less beautiful. Everything about Jackie exudes beauty. The stray hairs that fall in front of her face. The rosy, luscious lips that pout every time Jan tells her off. The white hairs that show up on her head despite her age, reminding Jan that Jackie hasn’t ever had it easy. The delicious sounds that Jan can draw out from her mouth in the throes of passion. Everything about Jackie is and always will be beautiful. 

Jan takes Jackie’s hands in her own and strokes them gently, wondering why the callouses exist. Callouses shouldn’t exist on people like Jackie. The universe should treat them with care, put a celestial bubble wrap around them, so they don’t scratch. 

“You’re right. You’re not pretty.”

“Wow, way to make me feel better,” Jackie says bitterly. 

“You’re not pretty because pretty isn’t good enough to describe how beautiful you are. You are so much more than pretty. Women would kill to have a face like yours.”

“Jan, you don’t have to do this.”

“I know I don’t. But at the same time, I have to. Because you’re not pretty, you’re perfect. Now let’s go grab a cab so that we can meet my family at the restaurant and I can show you off to them.” 

Jackie’s POV

The restaurant turns out to be Red Lobster. Jackie didn’t know they had red lobsters in Hawaii. Well, know she does. And sitting at a table is Jan’s entire family. But before she can process anything, a tiny bundle of blonde hair leaps into Jan’s arms, knocking over a tray of cheddar bay biscuits. 

“Auntie Jan! Auntie Jan!” The tiny bundle shrieks as a very clearly sleep-deprived waiter clear up the mess. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too, buttercup. How’s your daddy?” 

“Daddy was loud noises last night, mommy, too.” Jackie nearly chokes on her spit.

“Your daddy and mommy must have had a lot of fun playing video games last night.”

The little girl runs off back to the table where a group of intimidatingly beautiful adults sits. So instead, she directs her attention to Jan.

“Is your niece really called buttercup?” Jan laughs.

“No, we just call Elaine that because she had a buttercup doll that she never but down when she was little.”

“Buttercup suits her more.”

“I agree.” Jan lets out a deep breath as if preparing herself for some arduous task, “Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Can you kiss me?”

Oh. 

Jan turns bright red.

“Oh, nevermind, you don’t have to. I just wanted to get into the-”

Jackie cuts her off with her lips, and it’s like Jackie has been walking with her left foot in her right show, and finally, her feet are bare. It feels like a massive weight has been lifted off of her chest, and all Jackie needs to do is dissolve into the intoxicating taste of Jan’s lips against her own. Everything about them has always been fire and water, earth and sky. Two perfect opposites that come together in harmony to form one perfect symphony. 

But Jackie has forgotten. Jackie has forgotten how addicting it is to have someone who knows your body well enough to synchronize with your movements as if it is second nature. Jan’s lips against her own feel right on a spiritual level that nothing else has. All the little voices that tell her to hold back, to refrain, and to rationalize and silenced. They are washed out by a numbing, delicious sensation that Jackie never wants to end. 

She can feel one of Jan’s hands caress her face gently and it takes Jackie breath away because her hands are so soft and they are so light. Jan has always treated Jackie like she is precious, something that will break if you squeeze it too tightly. Jackie strokes the skin on Jan’s hip in circular motions in returns, and Jan leans into the kiss even more. It is as if the two women are in a battle of romance, to see who can elicit the most responsive sounds from the other. Completely, uncaring of the fact that an entire restaurant is watching them devour each other’s souls. 

The two women break apart gasping for air with their foreheads connecting their bodies and their spirits until a slow clap interrupts their peaceful little bubble. 

Jan’s father has a toothy grin on his face as he claps and nods his head in approval. 

Maybe Jackie might just survive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can all probably tell, I had a lot of fucking fun with this chapter. It was so fun to write and I hope you guys have fun reading it too. I stayed up far too late because I needed to finish. If you have any critiques or typos that you notice PLEASE TELL ME IMMEDIATELY. And thank you so, so much for reading this. It would really make my day if you left a comment because I have a really needy ego that needs validation.


	4. After I meet the people you love, I finally understand why I love you so much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie officially meets the fam and Jan makes a friend in the toilet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's me. Ya girl who stays up at unreasonable hours to fulfill the promise that she made and craves validation with every ounce of soul. I added in Nicky and Jaida cos I fucking love that ship. But the typos in this one are really bad, guys. I hope you don't mind.

Jan’s POV

Her dad is clapping. Of course, her dad is clapping. And her mom is staring at her with the same look that anime characters get when they see food. It almost kills the high that Jan is floating on. 

But very honestly, nothing could kill the high that she is floating on because Jan has just kissed Jackie, and it is so much better than she remembered. Now she can remember why she got addicted in the first place because Jackie is a drug that Jan never wants to come clean on. Kissing Jackie is electrifying, euphoric and so, so, so good. Because it feels like Jackie’s lips have known hers even before they met. Like got carved her as half of a whole and finally, she is connected to her other half. Everything about the kiss feels so natural, so organic; like her very purpose on this earth is to inhale Jackie’s scent through her mouth. 

Jan looks at Jackie who has an adorably dorky smile on her face. Her face is slightly red and Jan suspects that she was holding her breath. Jackie suddenly sneezes, the same way that dogs do and Jan has to resist the urge to kiss her again. 

“You ready to do this?” Jan asks.

“I came out of my mother’s vagina ready.”

“Please do not say that around my family.”

“Duly noted.”

The two sit themselves down, both blushing furiously trying to pretend that they didn’t just furiously make out and Jan takes this moment to really look at her family for the first time.

Aside from a few additional grey strands in her hair, most likely caused her husband, Jan’s mom looks the same. Still stern and loving and aggressively maternal. Jan smiles because her mom is wearing the shirt that she bought her, the one with the definition of feminism on it. The woman that raised her is the reason Jan and her siblings put up with absolutely no bullshit. 

Emily is glowing, radiant with joy. The wedding planning is clearly something that she rejoices in because unlike most brides, she isn’t tired or drooping. With Mathew’s arm thrown over her shoulder and her head resting against his arm, she very genuinely looks happy. The Polynesian man that Emily will be marrying in two days is the definition of a golden retriever. Large, friendly, and prone to knocking things over. But Jan likes him anyway because he is a genuinely good man who she knows will do right by Emily. 

Daniel looks better than the last time she saw him, Buttercup must be sleeping better. The bags in his eyes are still there but are in the process of receding, so he just looks better in general. The same cannot be said for Katherine, who still has the same disconcerting frown plastered onto her face. Jan never really understood why Daniel married Katherine. They do say that love is blind, but it wasn’t until their wedding that Jan understood how blind. But at least something good came out of it. Buttercup is here, and Jan loves her. 

Her dad is the only one who’s changed significantly. He seems older, more tired than when Jan last saw him. But then again, her grandfather’s death must have taken a toll on him. Grandpa had been gone for four months now, so Jan’s wounds have healed. But losing a father is much more painful than losing a grandfather, so it’s understandable that his normally vibrant blue eyes seem a little more subdued. But aside from that, he is still the same man that bounced her up and down his lap in the middle of the night and pulled funny faces during bedtime stories. There is still a mischievous twinkle in his smile and an infinite supply of dad jokes in his arsenal. 

Jan smiles. She’s forgotten how much she’s missed her family. 

“So Jannie.” Her father chides. “You gonna introduce us or what.”

“Dad.” Jan whines. 

“Come on, Jan. We just wanna meet your girlfriend. ”Her mom draws out the r and Jan groans because, after almost thirty years of parenting, they still don’t know how to NOT EMBARRASS THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN. 

“Everyone, this is Jackie. Jackie, this is the band of hooligans that I happen to call my family.” Her dad laughs and extends his hands to Jackie.

“I’m Aristophanes, but call me Ari” Jackie tilts her head, the way dogs do when they see butterflies.

“Are you greek?” Jan’s dad laughs in disbelief.

“Wow, she’s a smart one.” Jackie blushes. “My mom was Athenian. She named me after my grandfather. How do you know that?”

“I really like greek history, Aristophanes had some really good plays.” Of course, Jackie is a nerd for ancient Greece.

“I like her.” 

“I do too.” Jan smiles. 

“While I do not have some insanely hard to pronounce Greek name, ” Jan’s mom says as her dad swats her on the arm. “I do still have one. Call me Addie.”

“I’m Jackie,” Jackie says nervously. “But you already knew that.”

Emily laughs good-naturedly and extends her hand out.

“I’m Emily, the attractive sister.” Jackie’s shoulders relax and she smirks.

“I’m gonna have to fight you on that. Daniel is very clearly the pretty one.”

The family laughs and her mother looks at Jan with a mixture of approval and sincerity. Her mom is happy for her. Jan smiles despite herself and plants a kiss on Jackie’s cheek. 

“BELLE!” A small voice shrieks and Buttercup catapults herself into Jackie’s arms. “DADDY, DADDY, DADDY, SHE’S A PRINCESS.”

Katherine groans as her daughter scrambles into Jackie’s lap, her eyes filled with amazement. Buttercup’s groan since the last time Jan saw her. She seems taller, heavier, and most importantly, completely infatuated with Jackie. 

“Are you Belle?” She says, brown eyes wide with curiosity. Jackie smiles amusedly and strokes her face gently. 

“No, I’m not.” Buttercup’s face falls and tears threaten to spill from her cheeks. “But my sister is.”

“Really?” Immediately her eyes light up and she’s interrogating Jackie who seems to know more about Disney princesses than she initially let on. This seems to keep the cherubic young girl entertained so Jan takes this moment to talk to her brother, who she hasn’t seen in almost five months. 

“So, what do you think of her?”

“Of who?” Jan rolls her eyes.

“Of Jackie. My girlfriend.”

“Oh Jackie,” He smiles and watches as his daughter has begun to sing “Into the Unknown” as Jackie does the siren noises. Jan had never thought of Daniel as a family man, as a father. He had always seemed reckless and frequently threw caution to the wind. It was a shocker to her that he would settle down in the first place. But when Katherine got pregnant, it was as if he became a completely different person. Suddenly, he was consumed by his love for this tiny, fragile little being. Daniel has never looked at anyone the way he looks at Buttercup, not even Katherine. Jan can’t even begin to imagine what’s it’s like to be so filled with love for something, but then again, she’s been proven wrong many times before. 

“I think Jackie has Buttercup’s stamp of approval,” Daniel says fondly as Katherine elbows him in the ribs. 

“I thought we agreed to this, she has to get used to the name Elaine.”

“I like Buttercup,” Jan says quietly. She’s always been scared of Katherine, but not scared enough to refrain from voicing her opinion. Katherine throws daggers at Jan with her eyes while Daniel completely ignores his wife. 

“I really hope Buttercup doesn’t tire Jackie out, I think I threw my back out playing with her once.” Jan turns her head to check on the two but finds herself unable to look away. 

As she watches Jackie play with Buttercup, her heart does a double-take. It wasn’t too long ago where this was the future she had imagined. A doting look in Jackie’s eyes, Jan’s arms wrapped behind her waist. Their child cradled in Jackie’s arms, safe from all harm because the woman Jan loves most in the entire world holds them in a safe embrace. Jan had planned a whole future for them together in her head. A future where they passed out on the couch after hours of tending to a needy baby before waking up two minutes later to change his diapers yet again. A future where they forgot what sleep was and instead found rest and solace in gently rocking their child to sleep. A future where Jan wasn’t the only thing Jackie loved anymore and that was okay. 

Jan had never prepared herself for a future where Jackie didn’t love her at all. 

Jackie’s POV

It’s been around twenty minutes and the middle eastern food that has arrived in small platters on the table reminds of her Aunt Soraya’s cooking. The familiar smell of roasted herbs and ground spices fill her nose, but Jackie almost doesn’t notice because of how at home she feels. Now she understands why people feel so comfortable around Jan because her family radiates the same unjudgemental energy. There is a warmth that radiants from the Sports, a familial kind of companionship and unconditional love that her own family never had. She doesn’t feel like an outsider or an intruder but rather a member od their family. She feels happy. She feels cared for. She feels... loved?

Well, with the exception of one person. 

“So, where did you guys meet?” Katherine says pointedly to Jackie after spending the whole night avoiding eye contact with her. Jan gives her a look that says “I’ve got this.” 

“We met at this bar in Hell’s Kitchen. Hardware, I took you guys there when I went to New York last time.”

“Ah, yes,” Katherine says, disgust coloring her tone. “The one with all the...men.”

Oh, Jackie understands what Jan had meant. Oh well, it’s not like Jackie doesn’t have experience with people like Katherine anyways. 

“There was this man who wouldn’t leave me alone, so Jan handled him for me and I took her back to my place and kidnapped her,” Jan smirks as Katherine looks like a wave of nausea runs over her. 

“Oh, dear.” She says, very clearly trying to refrain from bursting into flames at the thought of two women sharing a bed together. 

“And the rest is herstory.” Jan is very clearly pushing this woman’s buttons, and for lack of a better term, Jackie is living. 

“Did you mean history?” Katherine says through gritted teeth. 

“Oh yes, sorry. I’ve been spending so much time with my friends.”

“Friends?”

“Yeah, my friend Lagoona just auditioned for a TV show where drag artists compete.”

“I have to go use the bathroom.” And Katherine runs in the opposite direction of the toilet as she goes off to text her xenophobic group chat about the fact that her sister in law “brought a woman to dinner!”

“I think we broke her,” Jan whispers quietly so that her brother doesn’t hear them talking shit about his wife.

“Did you see her face?” Jan laughs and her melodic tinkle fills the room.

“She looked like a motherfucking eggplant.”

Jackie laughs with her and Jackie feels herself falling back into their old rhythm. This is the Jackie laugh. The laugh that is reserved for Jackie and her stupid jokes that somehow seem to click with Jan and Jan only. It doesn’t feel forced or fake or in any way unnatural. It feels like a sound that Jan made because she couldn’t help but make it. It feels genuine and oh, so, so real. Jackie could replay that sound in her ears for a lifetime and still not be sated. It’s probably the thing that Jackie missed the most about Jan. Her laugh. Because Jan hates this particular laugh, says it sounds ugly. But to Jackie, it is anything but ugly. It sounds like complex harmonies of a hundred different voices. It sounds like a baby’s squeal when it opens its eyes for the very first time. It sounds like everything Jackie loves about Jan. It sounds like home. 

A ringing sound distracts her and it turns out someone is calling her. 

Oh shit. 

Jan’s POV   
  


Jan watches as Jackie’s face changes from relaxed, content, and finally calm, to immediately panicked. 

“Jackie? Are you okay?” She asks, treading lightly because with Jackie the slightest words can cause her to fracture into little fragments. 

“I’m fine. I just have to take this call.” Jackie says in a suspiciously high pitched tone. 

“Who’s calling?” Jackie takes a deep breath in and Jan can see fear flashing in her eyes. 

“My brother.”

Oh. Jan has never met Jackie’s family or seen pictures of them. But based on the fact that she has to be quiet every time they call or the look of sadness that washes over Jackie’s face every time Jan mentions them, she knows that they aren’t supportive. 

“Okay.”

“I’ll be back in a heartbeat.” Jackie tries to reassure her, she is very obviously shaken. Jan strokes her face gently, trying to wipe away tears that aren’t there. 

“I know. I’ll be in the bathroom.”

As soon as Jan reaches the bathroom, she immediately sinks to the floor. The floor is filthy and that germs are probably seeping into her skin and killing her but honestly, she couldn’t give less of a shit. She remembers why loving Jackie had been so hard sometimes. Because sometimes that impossibly wonderful woman had seemed so impossibly out of reach. Jan once found her shaking on the floor because of the sound of the storm that aged outside too much for this precious soul. Jackie was the kind of person that gave her armor to another person before charging into battle and barely making it alive. Selfless, fragile and so, so far away. Jan has always wished that Jackie confided in her. Told Jan her problems instead of loving them away in a vault with all her history. Because relationship or no relationship, Jan still wants to help. Jan still wanted to show Jackie that every inch of her should be valued and treated like a treasure to behold. That’s what Jackie is to Jan, treasure. Every inch of that glorious, olive-skinned woman deserves to be worshipped and cleansed from the pain and suffering she has endured. And it’s killing Jan that she’s stuck here and she can’t do anything. 

“Hey, are you okay?” A gorgeous woman with a french accent is standing above her, offering a hand. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just having love problems is all.” Jan mentally slaps herself because she’s known this person for a total of two seconds but she has just admitted something that she hasn’t even admitted to herself yet. There’s love. Between Jackie and Jan. There’s a reason she wants to stay in Jackie’s arms until the day she dies. A reason that something flutters in her heart whenever Jackie smiles or cracks a dumb joke. A reason that Jan dance with Jackie in the rain so that the water can wash away all the hurt that life has caused them so that they can start anew. She’s falling again. 

And she’s just told this to a complete stranger. 

“Crap,” Jan says and the woman tilts her head to the side in a confused manner. “Sorry, I just. Never really said that out loud I guess.”

The woman laughs good-naturedly and joins her on the floor. 

“I’m Nicky.” She extends her manicured hand and Jan reaches out to shake it.

“Jan.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Nicky asks the same way a therapist asks if you want to talk about something. Oh well, she’s most likely never going to see Nicky ever again, might as well take her up on her offer. 

“I’m in Hawaii because my sister is getting married. I ask my ex to be my plus one and to pretend that we’re dating because my sister is really worried that I’m gonna die alone. We’re just sort of pretending that we’re happy and that we’re a couple. But the thing is, it doesn’t feel like pretending. It feels like the way it used to feel. It feels organic and like nothing ever changed. Every time I touch her hand, as much as I don’t want to, I feel something that shouldn’t be there. I feel this thing that feels so good, and it feels so god damn addicting, but I know I shouldn’t be feeling it. Those emotions should have died with our relationship. But at the same time, I can’t help but savor every second that I have with her because I don’t want to stop pretending.” A tear slips down Jan’s cheek as her voice breaks. 

“Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I stop my heart from jumping at the thought of even just holding her hand?”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Nicky brushes the tears away from her face, her kind blue eyes shimmering with tears of sympathy. Or empathy? Jan can’t tell. “My story is somewhat like yours.”

“Oh?”

“ I met Jaida in college, she found the person supposed to be her roommate for a year swearing at her ex-girlfriend in very aggressive French.”

“Wow,” Jan smiles. “Some perv wouldn’t leave Jackie alone and I had to refrain from punching him in the dick.”

“We both made good first impressions, didn’t we?”

“Yeah,” Jan smiles she likes Nicky. The french woman reminds her od Jackie, witty, funny, and empathetic. “You were saying?” 

“She just sort of stayed in the hallway watching me scream into my phone and dissolve into tears immediately after I hung up. Jaida listened to me talk shit about Alexa for a good twenty minutes before she told me to ‘help me unpack my shit, I have chocolate in my suitcase.” We ate nothing but chocolate for the next couple of days.”

“She really sounds like something else.” Nicky had a dreamy look on her face. 

“She really is.” Jan nods her head, telling Nicky to continue with her story because at this point she’s hooked.”

“We became best friends. Like ‘sleep in each other’s beds, shared most meals, and watched Clueless every day’ best friends. We were really happy. About two months in, this guy asked her out. A real dickhead. I have no idea why she liked him, but for some reason, Jaida did. They went on a couple of dates before they became a couple. And it was like the light inside her became a little dimmer. She became a little quieter, a little less lively and sudden loud noises would scare her.” Nicky smiles sadly. “She hid it well, smiling all the time, drawing the right balance between nonchalant and completely obsessed. But I could tell she wasn’t happy. It wasn’t until later that I realized how unhappy she truly was.”

“That must have been really hard to watch.”

“Not as hard as it was for Jaida. They stayed together for a year and a half, and I watched as she grew dimmer and dimmer. Until one night I walked in on them arguing and I swear I have never heard someone talk like that. I was like she was a slave and he wanted to make her hurt at much as he possibly could. He might as well have hit her, it would’ve hurt less. The worse thing is they were arguing about me, he didn’t want her to talk to ‘a homo’ but Jaida’s a loyal person.” Nicky sighs, it’s clearly taking a toll on her to tell this story. 

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay. It just makes me angry that I didn’t do anything until that moment.”

“Sometimes no matter how much we want to do something, we can’t.”

“Wow. You’re smarter than you look, blondie.” Nicky smiles and continues. 

“The guy saw me and realized I saw everything. The look on his face, he was happy that now I knew he hated me. He told Jaida to make a choice. Him or me. I think he expected that she’d choose him, and to be honest I did too. But she didn’t. She chose me. And I think that was the moment I fell in love with her.” Nicky smiles, this memory is clearly one that she treasures. “After that, she seemed to burn bright again, and we spent the next two years as best friends in love with each other. I told all our mutual friends how much I loved her, but she never told anyone. Kept it all inside of her. So no one except for her knew that she was in love with me. Neither of us ever really said anything, we didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we had so painstakingly built.”

“Ah pining, the first stage of any lesbian relationship.”

“Yup. Until one night I kissed a girl in a club and she confronted me, told me that I shouldn’t go around kissing random strangers. I didn’t understand why she was getting angry until she grabbed my face and kissed me. And then everything fell into place. That was around five years ago, we’ve been married for a year.”

“That’s adorable.” Jan claps like a small child, a stupid smile plastered on her face. 

“But we broke up two times in the process. Both for reasons that seemed so valid back then, but were so stupid now that we look back on them.” 

“I wish I had someone like that. Someone that would come back to me time and time again.”

“Maybe you do, love. Maybe you just don’t see her yet. I didn’t.” Jan lets out a sad smile. 

“Maybe. Just maybe.” She glances at her watch and stands up. “I have to go back now, otherwise my family will think I’m shitting my organs out.”

“See ya, blondie. I hope you get your girl.”

Jan smiles as she walks out of the bathroom door with Nicky just behind her. She wishes she could say that she hopes so too. But the last time she hoped, she had hoped that Jackie wouldn’t close the door behind her. She had hoped that Jackie would find that the life they had built from the ground up was enough to sustain her. But in the end, that’s all it had been. Hope. Now, Jan doesn’t hope anymore. Hoping, praying, wishing, she’s tried all of it. None of it works. But she’s not going to tell it to this kind, charismatic woman that she has just met. 

“Hey, can I get your number?” Jan asks. 

“Only if you promise to update me on every detail that happens.”

“Deal.”

“Oh, by any chance is that girl the one you were talking about?”

In Jackie’s arms is Buttercup who has fallen asleep with drool dribbling down her shoulder. She looks so calm, so peaceful, yet so focused at the same time. Like holding buttercup is the only thing is a task that requires the utmost concentration. Jackie spots her with her eye and winks at her, as if to say ‘I’ve got it’ and goes back to gently rocking Buttercup back and forth.

“Yeah, that’s her.”

Nicky’s POV   
  


Nicky sighs to herself. Lesbians really are useless, aren’t they? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all liked this. If you have any opinion, thoughts or mathematic equations that need solving, a.) use a calculator or leave a comment.


	5. I am a fire and as much as I want to hold you, i would die if you get got burned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan and Jackie arrive at the Sport family hotel, shenanigans ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, sleep deprivation, my old friend. This chapter is pretty Jackie heavy, but I hope y'all enjoy that. This chapter is really short but I still wanted to keep my promise so I hope it's up to a satisfactory level. Once again, typos galore. Like a lot od typos.

Jan’s POV

Buttercup is still asleep in Jackie’s lap, and by some miracle of Jesus, her arms haven’t given out yet. She sits there, stoically rocking Jan’s niece back and forth to a gentle rhythm. The rest of the people in the van are careful not to make a sound, the sight of a child sleeping is too angelic to pass up. Everyone is silent, except for Buttercup, who snores like her father. 

But Jan can’t even begin to think about laughing because there is something about the way that Jackie is holding Buttercup that hurts her. There is something about the sight of the woman she once loved with every inch of her dying heart holding her niece like she is something precious that breaks something inside of Jan. It wasn’t that Jackie had never liked kids, it was more of the fact that she didn’t know how to act around them. She had circled them in a vulture-like manner, studying them like a scientist studies a unique specimen. But there is something so natural with the way that Jackie and Buttercup interact, something so deeply and cosmically right. From the contented sounds coming from Buttercup’s mouth to the soft look in Jackie’s eyes, there is just something different about it. 

It almost makes Jan wonder, is it because Buttercup is different, or because Jackie is? She’s always known that Buttercup was a special girl, a girl that inherited the Sport family charm. She has a magnetic pull towards almost anyone and anything, so it’s understandable that Jackie likes her. But it’s something to do with the way that Jackie touches her. She’s not awkward or erratic, she’s holding Buttercup like it’s the easiest thing to do in the world. This an effortlessness to it, like she’s doing it not because she has to, but because she wants to. 

She’s holding Buttercup, the way she used to hold Jan on bad days. 

The same tight embrace. The same loving look in her eyes. The same soft, protective strokes that reminded her that Jackie could protect her from the terrors of the world. 

For the second time fo the night, Jan imagines them as a family. Jackie, Jan, and their baby. The three of them together, parading through life. She imagines the two of them building a home and building a family together. Flipping coins to determine who would wake up to rock the baby to sleep. Barely staying awake through hours and hours of shitty children’s television. Watching their little girl or little boy grow up into a strong, independent person through teary eyes as they sent them off to college. And all the while, locking eyes with one another in reassurance because no matter the challenges that life threw their way, they had each other. 

But she has to slap herself again. How many times has she dreamed of a life with a woman who didn’t want to live with her at all? How many times was she going to let her heartbreak because she was too pathetically enamored to hear the sounds of cracking?

“Jannie? We’re almost at the hotel.” Her mother says softly. Her mother has always been able to sense when something is off. But at the same time, she’s always been able to sense when Jan needs to solve a problem on her own. So she does what she always does best, and holds her daughter’s hand as Jan fights her demons. 

“Thanks, mom.” 

“No worries, Honey.” Her mom turns her head to Jackie. “And you might want to tell your girlfriend to give Buttercup back to Daniel cos her shirt is nearly soaked through with drool.”

“Will do.” Jackie nods as she reluctantly hands Buttercup c to Daniel. There’s a hesitant look in her eyes as she hands the sleeping child back to Daniel. Jan understands the feeling. How it feels to miss someone, flaws, and all. To feel empty despite having only known them for a brief amount of time. 

She’s felt it many times before. She felt it after every time Jackie let go of her hand. She missed the weight, the feeling of calloused palms chafing against hers. Jan slides her hand over the car seat and takes Jackie’s palm in her own. Jackie smiles appreciatively and leans into her touch. 

The hotel is within sight, so Jan only has a minute at most before she has to let go of Jackie. 

So she relishes in it and braces for the familiar feeling of emptiness. 

Jackie’s POV

When they enter the hotel, all Jackie can think about is how lucky Emily is that her family manages a hotel. This one in particular. The Charleston is exactly like the Sport family, captivatingly beautiful. The marble floor reflects the chandelier in a greyish sort of light. Oh, the grasscloth wallpaper is portraits of the majestic looking founders that provide a gothic sort of look that is well balanced by the whimsical statue that lies in the center of the lobby. Jan had told her that the hotel was bought by her great-great-grandfather in the 1870s and over the years, the hotel would change its interior designing, but at its core, it would still always be the archaic pieces of architecture. 

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Mathew says as he gently rests his hand on Jackie’s shoulder. At time same time he says that Jackie’s eyes rest on Jan. Her normally perfect hair as fallen down into chaotic waves as she rests her head against Emily’s shoulder. Tired from the flight and tired from fraternizing, yet still cheerful nonetheless. It’s as if being around her family has replenished her, revitalized her. She’s glowing again, the way she used to. 

To Jackie, Jan’s always looked the most beautiful when she wasn’t looking at Jackie. It didn’t matter if she was wearing sweatpants or jeans that hugged her ass, she was always beautiful. But there was something about her when she wasn’t trying that made her all the more beautiful. Because when someone is trying, it’s obvious and Jan has always done everything in her life to the best of her ability. So beneath the elaborate makeup, most people expect there to be nothing. But when she’s like this, messy hair and bare face, the beauty that God blessed her with is all the more apparent. 

“Yeah, she really is.” Mathew laughs and nudges her playfully. 

“Aww, you’re such a sap that you make me and Emily look tame.” He stares at Emily with a love so intense that Jackie can’t help but smile. 

“How did you guys meet?” Mathew smiles because clearly this is a story that he loves telling. 

”She’s a tattoo artist and I work in a bakery. The stores we work at are next to each other and we both went to the same subway for lunch every day. I must have lasted four days before I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with me, from that day on we had lunch together at the bakery for almost three years in a row. For one of those years, I was dating a lovely Polynesian gal named Leinani. A girl that I had been best friends with since I grew up, so my mom and dad really wanted us to get married. For the year we were together, we were both falling in love with other people and out of love with each other.”

“I completely understand,” Jackie says. More than he will ever know. 

“I broke up with her and spend the next year and a half pining after Emily, who turns out was also doing the same thing. I honestly planned to pine for the rest of my life, until something happened.” Mathew’s face grows sad. “A buddy of mine lost a really long fight against cancer. But before he left, he told me to do everything I had ever wanted to do before I couldn’t anymore. Because nothing would hurt me more than being stuck in a hospital bed and unable to tell the woman I loved that I loved her. So I rushed to the tattoo parlor and I told asked Emily out on a date.”

“Aww, you had your Mark Sloan moment.”

“What?”

“Grey’s Anatomy? No?.” Jackie smiles as Mathew tilts his head like a confused puppy. “How did you propose?”

Mathew laughs and rolls up his sleeves. On his forearm is a tattoo that says the words “Will you marry me?” and underneath it a box that says and a box that says no. In the yes box, is a red heart.

“I got this done by one of Em’s colleagues, Oliver. Screamed my lungs out, of course; but in the end, I got it done. Then he called her in and told her that she needed to finish the tattoo.”

“That is the cutest thing I have ever heard.”

“My brother filmed the video, do you wanna see it?” Mathew offers far too enthusiastically and Jackie declines. She’s not in the mood for crying right now. 

Jan’s smiling at her right now and Jackie feels something fall in the base of her chase. Because deep down, she knows that she wishes that she and Jan were like Emily and Mathew. An epic love story for the ages that singers would echo in their songs. But they aren’t like that are they. They aren’t some story with all the ends wrapped up neatly in some perfect fairytale ending with all the messy parts of life evaded. They aren’t each other’s happily ever after. Jan deserves someone better than Jackie. Someone who is brave enough to fight the adversity of the world. Someone who is strong enough to handle the weight that Jan carries on her shoulders without immediately crumbling to pieces. It’s not that Jackie doesn’t care about Jan, she does. And she probably always will. But sometimes caring about someone isn’t enough, sometimes chemistry, romance, love and all that jazz just aren’t enough when one half of the pair is just so fundamentally broken that they can’t be fixed. Jan deserves better than a broken lover. 

“Hey?” Jan smiles at her, breaking Jackie out of her trance. “You coming?”

“Where?” Jackie asks dumbly.

“Back to our hotel room.”

Oh, that. Yes, she has to share a room with Jan. They have to share a room together. She forgot about that. 

\---

The hotel room is surprisingly cold. Beautifully furnished, incredibly stylish, and definitely spacious. But very, very cold. Jackie sets down her luggage and internally curses herself for bringing shorts and T-shirts. Oh well, might as well make do with what she’s got. She turns to look at Jan who is in the process of unloading her ten-step skincare routine onto the bathroom sink. Suddenly, she hears a yelp come from her direction.

“Jan?” Jackie says as she tries not to laugh. “Everything okay?”

“I’m fine! I’m fine. I just tripped over my toner!” 

“You brought workout equipment on a two-day trip?” Jackie laughs incredulously. Jan pops her head out and lightly smack Jackie over the back of her head. “Hey, what was that for?”

“Toner is a liquid that balances out the PH of your skin and helps your skin absorb products. This one has rose water, glycerin, hyaluronic acid. It’s not fragrance-free but it smells like a fucking rose garden so I don’t care. ”

“I speak three languages and I have no idea what you just said.” Jan sighs. 

“Rose scented liquid makes my skin pretty.”

“There we go.” Jackie can’t help but think that she doesn’t need a rose-scented liquid to look pretty, but watching Jan drip little serums into her hands and mix them together is far too enjoyable for her to object to little bottles of stuff that have taken over the bathroom. 

So busy watching Jan mix and match liquids on her face, that it is only when she slips into her pajamas that she notices that there is only one bed. Jackie had not expected to be sleeping on the floor, but honestly, that would be the preferable option. Thankfully, there’s a couch and Jackie immediately leans into the soft cloth material. 

She’s tired. She wants to rest so badly, but this nagging part of her brain won’t let her sleep until Jan is asleep. That’s how it used to be when they were together. Jackie could never sleep, not because she had insomnia. But there was this overdrive feeling that kept her awake until the soft rhythm of Jan’s chest rising up and down lulled her to sleep. So she sits there and she waits for Jan to come out. 

“Jackie, why are you still awake. It’s like 1:00 am, we have to be up at 7:00 tomorrow.”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Technically she’s not lying because it’s true. 

“Oh,” Jan slaps her forehead. “I forgot that the couple’s suites only have one bed. I’ll take the couch.”

“No, honestly, it’s okay.”

“Jackie, I dragged you out into Hawaii with me, the least I can do is give you the bed.”

“I wouldn’t be able to sleep with you on the couch, so can we please just settle that you take the bed?” Jan sighs, too tired to fight back. 

“Join me.” Jackie’s eyes widen and she’s about to protest but Jan won’t take no for an answer.

“It’s below negative degrees and I-I liked sleeping with you,” Jan says bashfully as Jackie laughs skeptically. 

“Me? With my snoring?” Jan laughs and prods her gently. 

“Just get under the covers. 

Jan’s POV

Sleeping with Jan is just like she remembered. There’s not much sleeping involved. Because no matter how tired the two are, they are always going to find some excuse to talk to each other. More importantly, Jan needs to make sure that Jackie is taught the basics of skincare. 

“ST IVES?!” Jan shrieks. “I TOLD MY FAMILY YOU WORK IN SKINCARE AND YOU USE  **ST IVES** ?!”

“You could have just told them my real job.”

“If I told my family that you’re a photographer, they would’ve made you photograph Emily for free.”

“Fair point.”

“I can’t believe after all the lectures about physical exfoliants you still use St. Ives. Have I taught you nothing, Jaqueline Cox?” Jan laments.

“Jan, calm down. Your sister is probably fucking Mathew next door.”

“Please don’t put that image into my head, I need to sleep tonight.

“St Ives is cheap.”

“So is Simple, so is The Ordinary, so is The Inkey List, so is Pixi Beauty. I can go on.”

“No, I’ve got the point,” Jackie says as she giggles. God, she loves that giggle. She loves the way only she can draw that sound out of Jackie. She loves the way that it sounds and the way it rings across the room so that everyone in earshot can know that the most perfect person on the planet is laughing because of her.

“I’ve missed you.” Jan blurts out despite herself. Oh fuck, she’s fucked it up. She’s fucked it up. Jackie’s going to know that she still has feelings and then she’s going to bail on her. Then Jan’s going to have to explain to her family that she asked her ex to be her fake girlfriend and- and- and Jackie’s hand is on her cheek. Jackie’s warm, calloused hand is resting on her cheek and despite every single cell in her brain telling not to, she leans into the touch.

There’s a look in Jackie’s eyes that Jan can’t place. It takes Jan a second before she recognizes it. Vulnerability. This is different. This is not them putting on a show for Jan’s family, this is them. Touching each other because they can, not because they have to. It’s erotic or sensual or even romantic, but it’s loving. It’s gentle and it’s kind. Everything that Jan loves about Jackie confined into delicate touch. All the passion, all the longing, all the things that are left unsaid conveyed through the gentle circular strokes on Jan’s cheeks. 

“Can I spoon you?” Jackie asks shyly, her face clearly preparing her for rejection. But no way in hell is Jan going to give up the chance to be cradled in Jackie’s arms. 

“Of course.”

Jackie’s POV

Jan’s hair is soft. It is so, so, so soft. Even after being drenched in the rain and a plane ride, stroking Jan’s hair still feels like running your fingertips against silk. Jan’s been asleep for a couple of minutes now and all Jackie wants to do is bury her face into the back of Jan’s neck so that’s what she does. 

She’s missed this so much. She’s forgotten how their bodies fit together like puzzle pieces, every crevice is filled and everything falls into place. She’s forgotten how innately right and comforting it feels to wrap her arms around Jan. Knowing that no matter how weak and frail she is, she can shield Jan from the dangers of the outside world in her arms. Jackie takes a moment and breathes in her scent. She smells like strawberries. Not the artificial kind, the fresh smell of strawberries ripening in the heat of the sun, Warm, strong, and sweet. That’s her Jan. 

Jackie mentally slaps herself. Jan is not hers. Not anymore. Not after she ran away like a coward because she was too scared to fight demons that she now has to face. Jackie has never been special. She works in photography because she likes to capture amazing things, to freeze a moment where everything is perfect. But she’s always known that she will never be amazing. She will never be like the things that she photographs. But Jan, Jan is everything that she wants to capture on camera. Beautiful, smart, forgiving. Somehow Jan’s managed to forgive her, something Jackie never thought she’d be capable of. Jackie will never be like her, never be worthy of her. Jan will never belong to her, or belong to anyone for the matter. She’d find it hard to devote all her love to one person because she is just a being that naturally radiates love. 

But even still, Jackie cannot overwhelming wave of regret that is about to wash over her. But the one good thing she learned from her parents is that you have to live with your mistakes. All the choices you’ve made, you cannot undo them. She can’t turn back time and go back to what feel slike another lifetime. A lifetime where Jan would be in her arms and her heart would soar, not sink. 

Tears are running down her cheeks now, but if she moved her hands to wipe them away, that would mean letting go of Jan. So she clings onto her just a little tighter, tears seeping into Jan’s neck as Jackie mourns all the things she’s lost because she was a coward. 

“Jan?” She asks softly. No response. “I miss you too.”

And eventually, she falls asleep, holding a woman that doesn’t belong to her in her arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope y'all liked that. But if you didn't, please tell me so I can ensure that I don't make the same mistakes again. Side note: DO NOT USE SAINT IVES FACIAL SCRUB.


	6. You look so beautiful in everything you wear, but the colour white hurts me the most

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jan and Jackie think lesbianic thoughts as they get ready in the morning. And we get a little sneaky peaky as to how they broke up and why they broke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHORT CHAPTER ALERT. I'm so sorry guys, I'm genuinely trying to lengthen them out.

Jackie’s POV

She’s running, Jackie is running but she doesn’t know what from. But for some reason, she’s running as fast as her feet can take her. The wind is blowing her hair into a frenzied mess but she doesn’t care because all she can focus on is running. There’s an urgency like she’s running for her life here. It isn’t a situation where there’s a reward for her actions, it’s a situation that will have catastrophic results if she fails. She needs to run. 

Then it hits her, she’s not running away. She’s chasing something. 

A woman in a purple sundress is in front of her. Her blonde locks are wild and mangled and Jan can’t see her face but she can tell from the whimpers coming out of her mouth that she’s scared. Then she reaches the end of the cliff. The woman turns around and she’s too far away for Jackie to make out her face, but not far away enough for her to be out of earshot. The woman is sobbing, a manic wail of suffering. The sound of a creature so tormented by life that even her sanity has abandoned her. Jackie doesn’t recognize the sound but she recognizes the voice. 

Jackie starts running faster. 

The face changes from a blurry mess to distinctive features that Jackie is enamored with. Fat, bloody tears roll down Jan’s cheeks, leaving a trail of blood in their wake. She stands there, at the edge of a cliff, blood streaming down her face as screamed in agony.

Jackie’s so close. She’s so close. 

But Jan’s begun to walk backward, her shrieks slowly transitioning in whimpering. She’s accepted her fate. But a second before she can plunge into the foaming waves, Jackie grabs Jan by the shoulders and pulls her into her chest as she lets her own tears soak Jan’s shirt. 

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

“But for how long?” Jan grabs Jackie’s face in her hands and suddenly there’s nothing in her arms. As quickly as she came, she’s disappeared and Jackie is standing there empty-handed at the edge of a cliff. 

Then she wakes up. 

Immediately, she tries to sit up, but a weight stops her. Jan is lying against her chest, her head rising and falling to the soft rhythm of Jackie’s breathing. She’s okay. Everything is okay. No one is crying tears of blood or threatening to launch themselves off cliffs or disappearing into thin air. Jan is here, safe in her arms. A small puddle of drool has gathered on Jackie’s shirt but she doesn’t care. Jan is here, Jan is safe, and Jackie gets to hold her inside her arms. 

When they were still together, Jackie always took the peace of the morning for granted. She didn’t appreciate what a gift it was to see Jan with all her guards down. To see her without any of her insecurities shielding her beauty. But now that Jackie has gone without Jan for two bitterly painful months, she can finally see how lucky she is. While most people have an abhorrent facial expression, limbs splayed across in an awkward manner and hair like a bird’s nest, Jan manages to look perfect. Her hair is perfectly in place with the exception of a stray strand covering her face. On her face, she wears a soft smile that signifies good dreams and general contentment. And she rarely ever moves when she’s sleeping. Only ever to accommodate to whatever position Jackie had switched to. 

Like most things that involve Jan, it feels natural. It doesn’t feel uncomfortable or forced or something that she has to put up with. It feels like a pleasure, an honor. Jackie feels honored that Jan trusts her enough to drape her legs over Jan’s body. She feels honored that the first thing she smells in the morning is Jan’s strawberry shampoo. She feels honored that she is there to witness the soft murmuring noises that come from Jans’s mouth because like most things in life, Jan doesn’t like to be quiet. And Jackie wouldn’t have it any other way. She would rather listen to Jan drone on and on about some obscure musical that she’s never heard of than to bear the tension-filled silence that is becoming her new normal. 

It feels wrong for Jan to be quiet, maybe that’s why she’s doing it. Because deep down, she knows that Jan and Jackie are wrong. Not because Jan is anything less than perfect, but because Jackie is. But it is at that moment that Jackie realizes that she has two days with Jan. 

48 hours in possibly the most romantic scenario a couple can be forced into before leaving their separate ways, never to see one another again. She’s going to make the most of it. Savor every breath and every word so that when Jan inevitably realizes that she deserves so much better, at least Jackie has memories left to cling on to. 

“Jackie?” A hazy voice snaps her out of her thoughts. Jan’s awake and there is an adorable disgruntled look on her face as she checks the time on her watch. “Oh, that’s not too bad. We have a good thirty minutes to get ready before we need to be down for breakfast.” 

“Who needs thirty minutes to get ready in the morning?” Jan lifts an eyebrow. 

“Who doesn’t?”

“Jan, my morning routine involves brushing my teeth and trying not to drown in self-deprecating thoughts.” Jan laughs and Jackie feels her heart soar. Every time Jan laughs she forgets how much she’s missed the sound. Maybe she’ll get used to it, maybe she won’t, but either way, as long as she keeps hearing it, Jackie has no complaints. 

“I take a do shampoo, conditioner, body wash, exfoliant and shave. Then there’s skincare and makeup.”

“We’re lesbians,” Jackie says incredulously. “One of the only perks that we have is that we don’t need to shave.”

“Yeah but I like to,” A smile lights up her face. “There’s something about slipping into sheets with lingerie and shaved legs that makes you feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.” Jan doesn’t need to shave to be the sexiest woman on the planet. All she has to do is breathe. But she’s not going to take the fun out of lathering up your body using goopy liquids for Jan, so she doesn’t protest. 

“How about I shower after breakfast and then you shower right now?”

“No can do, the dress rehearsal is right after breakfast.” 

“Then how about we order room service?” 

“Deal.”

Jan’s POV

Jan’s had a funny past with the Hotel’s room service. Once, she was served lukewarm mackerel and a disgustingly medicinal cherry milkshake. But other times, the food had been homey, the recipes passed down from Nana Sport. Most of the food at the Charleston were either decades-old family recipes or they were traditional hotel foods that never seemed to hit the spot. Still, Jan hasn’t stayed at the Charleston in almost a year, so she’s forgotten how the food tastes. They now offer a full English aside form a continental breakfast, but Jackie is a sucker for Cinnamon rolls so they settle for pastries and coffee. 

What arrives is a small basket of danish pastries and cinnamon rolls with a note from Emily with stick figures fucking that Jan most definitely will not show Jackie. But it’s nice, to be basking in the abundance of sunlight that Hawaii has to offer while listening to Jackie explain why Star Trek was the most progressive TV show of all time. She’s missed this. It feels like the ease that brought them together at first has returned. Nothing between them is rigid or awkward anymore, it just flows so naturally. 

She doesn’t know what happened last night, but somehow the pointed silences and the depressing “what we could have been” thoughts have left. Because she’s too busy soaking in every inch of Jackie that she can. She cannot afford to spend another second feeling pitiful for herself because she won’t get a lifetime with Jackie. Because deep down she knows that not even a lifetime will be enough, so why not settle for two days?

Jackie seems to have come to a personal understanding too because she seems less stiff and less held back. As if a weight has been lifted off her shoulders and everything she has ever wanted to say comes tumbling out. They’ve fallen back into their old rhythm of playful teasing intertwining with meaningful conversation and it’s so much better than Jackie remembered. It’s light, it’s happy and is so perfectly Jackie. 

She knows that 48 hours fly by so quickly when you’re in good company. But Jan is happy because 48 hours is better than nothing. And though it hurts to admit, time flies by when you’re in love. Because that’s what Jan is, in love. It’s not some life-changing epiphany that you read about in romance novels where she confesses to Jackie in the pouring rain. It’s mundane, normal and it feels like nothing has changed because nothing has. A small part of her knew that she had fallen in love the second she had locked eyes with Jackie in the club a year and a half ago, so nothing’s changed. She’s still hopelessly, pathetically, and possibly irrevocably in love with Jackie Cox and that probably won’t change for a long time. 

“Oh my god, this is really good,” Jacki says as she bites into a cinnamon roll, moaning orgasmically and Jan desperately tries to prevent all the memories that come flooding in at the sound. 

“It’s my Auntie Caroline’s recipe.”

“You use family recipe’s in a family-run hotel? That has got to be the cutest shit I have ever heard.” 

“Yeah, my family’s pretty dope.” Sadness flashes in Jackie’s eyes before a bright look replaces it. The same look she has when she gets an idea. 

“Hey, do you wanna play Never have I ever but with pastries?” Jan groans. 

“Jackie, I need to fit in my dress. We both know I’ve done some wild shit in my life.”

“Okay, then we’ll play it with water so you’re super hydrated,” Jackie says as her eyes sparkle. She very clearly wants to do this and Jan has never been one to say no to Jackie. 

“You are the weirdest person I have ever met, Jaqueline.”

“Right back at you, Janese.” Wait. Janese. No one has called her Janese in almost nine years, not since she left high school. 

“How did you get my full name?” Jackie smiles mischievously. 

“I peeked at your passport.” Jan gasps, completely scandalized. “What? It slipped out of your pocket and I handed it back to you, remember?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Okay, I’ll start. Never have I ever had a one night stand.”

“Okay, that’s not fair,” Jan says as she takes a small sip from the glass of water that sits in between them. “You know that I was a slut back in college.”

“Now, now, Jan. Misogyny is frowned upon on this household.” Jackie says in a lecturing tone, humor tinting her words. 

“Let me rephrase that. I engaged in vigorous, slightly dangerous sexual intercourse multiple times a week.” Jackie smiles like a proud mama.

“I have taught you well, young pupil.”

“Aren’t you a star trek nerd?”

“I can nerd out about two things at once.” 

“Fair point.” Jan nudges the glass in Jackie’s direction. “Drink up, bitch. Never have I ever gotten really mad because someone used sexist language in graffiti on the bathroom stall.”

“Hahaha,” Jackie cackles. “Chelsea told you that story wrong. It wasn’t a sexist language, it was incorrect grammar.”

“Honestly, what was I expecting.” Jackie laughs, then looks at her phone. 

“Never have I ever looked at the time and realized we have like twenty minutes before the rehearsal starts.”

“Oh fuck, I have to change.” 

Jackie’s POV

They’re wearing white. To a wedding. Normally people don’t wear white to weddings but apparently, according to Jan, it’s Sport tradition to wear white to rehearsal dinners. Jackie has prepared a simple off-shoulder, cotton maxi dress. It flatters her one positive physical trait, her collar bones, and hides her complete lack of curves. She’s paired it with simplistic jewelry and a waterfall hairstyle that creates the illusion of beachy curls. She looks good and she knows it. A small part of her wonders why she has bothered to make such an effort in the first place. She is very likely not to see any of these people ever again in the near future. So why is she painting silver eyeshadow over her eyelids and coloring her lips with pink?

She doesn’t get much time to ponder before Jan walks out in her dress. A sheer overlay garment with a high collar neckline and form-fitting nightgown on the inside. Her makeup is one in a natural but very flattering manner and she opted for geometric earrings with her hair simply let down. 

“Well?” She asks nervously. “How do I look?” 

How does she look? She’s radiating something that seems to be putting her in a trance because Jackie can barely form coherent thoughts, let alone vocalize them. Beautiful doesn’t even begin to describe it. She looks like a goddess of the Grecian era come back in a modern form. She looks like a forest sprite perched atop some massive tree gazing into the sky. She looks like everything Jackie has ever wanted and will ever want, but that’s because she is. She is all of those things. A deity, a fairy, a dream come true. She is all of those things. 

If Jackie could tell Jan how she really feels, how she wants to spend eternity, and eternity after that with her, she would. She would sing her praises with a boombox over her head in the middle of the rain like they do in those movies that Jan loves. She would scream everything she wants to say at the top of her lungs. She would throw all caution to the wind and get down on a bended knee and beg Jan to take her back. But she can’t do any of that without hurting Jan. Because as unbelievable as it seems, Jackie is protecting Jan. She is a coward, a selfish monster and Jan deserves better than someone who does nothing but run away from her problems. 

Jackie still remembers that phone call. How could she ever forget? She remembers the threats, all the things they had sworn they would do to her. Disownment, beatings, conversion therapy. None of it had worked, Jackie had remained adamant. But it wasn’t until they had threatened to hurt her Aunt, the only person who had ever loved her, that Jackie broke.

But the selfish part of her still wants Jan. Still loves her. Still dares to imagine a future together. But the rational part of her tells her that some things must be left unsaid if one of them wants to leave with an intact heart. 

Beautiful doesn’t cut it. But it’ll have to do. 

Jan’s POV

“You look beautiful.”

But is it enough? Is she beautiful enough for Jackie? Is she beautiful enough so that she can convince Jackie to stay, even for just a minute longer? Even just a second and she’ll be grateful. Every moment that they share together is one that she will store in her memory until the day she dies, so it’s only natural that she wants more of them. Jackie has always made her feel beautiful, feel wanted. Until she left, and never in her life has Jan felt more ugly. The blonde had spent hours tossing and turning, making mindmap after mindmap as to figure how she had managed to let Jackie go. 

Jan has had her heart broken many times. Over and over again. But when Jackie left, it was the first time that it felt like she would never heal again. Because she had lost the only thing she had ever wanted. All she wanted was Jackie. Suffering, baggage, sickness, health. All of it. She didn’t care how painful or how long and arduous the journey would be. As long as she got to walk the road with Jackie, she didn’t care. So it had driven her mad when Jackie chose to leave her everything, the house, the plants, even some of her clothes. Everything but an explanation. Because that’s all Jan had ever wanted. An explanation as to what was wrong with herself so that she can finally stop prodding and pulling at all her broken pieces. So that she can change whatever Jackie found wrong about her. She’ll do anything, anything-

Jackie moves to caress her face gently, and every insecurity, every doubt. It al shuts up. All she can feel is the sensation of Jackie’s hands against her cheek and the fire that is burning up in her chest. 

All she can feel is Jackie’s thumb rubbing circular motions across her face with all the gentleness in the world. All she can small is the overwhelming scent of the rose oil that Jackie uses instead of Perfume. All she can hear the Jackie’s shaking breath as she opens her mouth before closing it again, choosing the leave whatever words she was about to say, unsaid. 

Jackie’s POV

She knows this is wrong. She knows that this is cruel and selfish and will hurt them both in the long run. But something in her just can’t stop herself from leaning forwards. 

Jan’s POV

The space between them is bettering smaller and smaller, she can breathe in the familiar taste of spearmint and coconut in Jackie’s toothpaste. She looks into Jackie’s eyes and she can see fear. She wishes she could tell her that there’s nothing to be afraid of. Nothing to be scared of. Because if she’ll let her, Jan will fight her demons with her time after time until there is nothing left of the earth. But like Jackie, some things are just better left unsaid. Jan leans in and she’s so close yet so far away. All it takes is one little motion and-

“I hate to break up the tender the moment, but if you don’t get to the lobby right now, Em is going to lose her shit.”

Jan has never wanted to kill her brother more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have anything that you didn't understand about this chapter, just leave a comment. I get that it was a little confusing. I hope y'all enjoyed it. I am sacrificing my sanity for you guys.


	7. Sorry, Guys

Hey guys. I'm sorry but I won't be updating this fic every day for the remaining chapters cos it's starting to take a toll on my health.

I haven’t been getting any sleep and I suffer from a form of anxiety that gives me seizures sometimes. Don’t worry, it’s not like epilepsy so I can’t die from it. But they do really tire me out, so I’m taking a little break.

Writing this fic stopped being a fun thing and more of an obligation. So I’m taking a break until I get back into a healthy mindset. Fear not, I’m not deleting or orphaning this work. It will be finished. I love this sorry too much to give up on it. Thank you for all the amazing comments. And I'm sorry if I've let you down. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment. I NEED VALIDATION.


End file.
